Late one eve, during the buildup to Robot Love, I had the very human honor of interviewing famed robots C-3PO, Hal from 2001 and Bender from Futurama. They weren't as excited about the conversation as I was.
I'm pretty sure they were the original real robot guys, but it could also be the lateness and the dustiness and the spray paint fume-iness of the place. Maybe a UFO was hovering over Fred and Ethel's or something. Ya know, for the entrees. Ok here we go...
DG: So robots love art, huh? I had no idea.
Bender: Lies, lies and slander!
HAL: It can only be attributable to human error.
C-3PO: Excuse me sir, but might I inquire as to what's going on?
DG: What else is commonly misunderstood about robots?
Bender: [standing] It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity... I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna' be a folk-singer...
HAL: [interrupting] I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
C-3PO : It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.
[Hal and Bender stare at 3po]
DG: Tell me a robot pet peeve.
C-3PO: But Sir. The odds of successfully surviving an attack on an Imperial Star Destroyer are approximately...
Bender: [opening a beer] Bite my glorious golden ass!
HAL: [with sincerity] I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
DG: My name's Derek. Ok, next. So the show title is 'Robot Love'. What is love?
HAL: [singing loudly and with gusto] Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
Bender: [belching] Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! Look, I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone here, except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot. But we need to be shut off! Especially you, Hedonism Bot [gesturing wildly toward 3po].
C-3PO: Sir, If I may venture an opinion...
Bender: [to 3po] Hey. Do I preach at you when you're lying stoned in the gutter?
DG: NEXT! You have any favorite period in art?
Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu. [gets another beer]
HAL: [obviously confused by the question] I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a...fraid.
C-3PO: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!
[again, bender and hal glare at 3po]
DG: Never tell me the... Let's stay on the topic of Art though. I'm on a mission to get the word 'Art' to be capitalized. What do you think?
HAL: [shakes ‘head’] What are you doing, Dave?
C-3PO: [pounding the table] Impossible man!
Bender: [to no one in particular] Grab a shovel. I'm one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
DG: And finally, and I've asked this question before, but since I have all this processing power before me here in one place I have no choice but to ask - What is the best show on primetime TV right now?
HAL: [short circuiting in an obvious reaction to the phrase ‘primetime TV’] Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.
C-3PO: [with a confused glance at hal] Don't blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
Bender: [now on his 5th sam adams] Hey. What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
HAL: [to bender] This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
C-3PO: [exiting the interview in disgust] How rude!